ADVENTURES OF OVIE EPISODE 3

If you missed episode 1 click HERE

If you missed episode 2, click HERE

While undergoing the punishment with my parents chatting away about how lucky Rukevwe was and still stealing glances at me and Nero enjoying the conversation without making a sound, I decided to reflect on my life. The fact that I used the wall as a support made the pain abit more bearable. My mind flashed back to the good old days.

Truth is that things weren’t always this way. Initially, I wasn’t the black sheep of the family, infact I think I am the most intelligent of all the Okoparoko children. 

Academically, I was what you would term a scholar right from my primary school days to my secondary school days. My friends say I was just an average student but as compared to my siblings, I was Einstein. That was the nickname my mom coined for me some years back, although all I hear these days is “mumu” or “block head”. I do wonder where I got it wrong. Back then, my mom often boasted that whereas it took Akpos and Mudiaga, my elder brothers 2 trials to finally gain admission, I would gain admission at my first trial. I guess the witches in my village had something else planned for me because this is my 4^th trial and quite frankly if I don’t pass this time, I am done trying.

While still reminiscing, the sound of Nero’s voice brought me back to life

NERO: Maleh and Paleh, abeg I for like ask one question. Una dun finally decide how una go use kill Bros Ovie when Bros Rukevwe show?

MAMA: Wetin make you think sey your brother go still fail again this time?

NERO: Ahh maleh abeg oh, no be from my mouth una go hear sey shicken(chicken) no dey piss. Everybody know how many times Bros Ovie dun write this exam, still on still no show.(Looking at me), bros no vex oh.

PAPA: Nero, how old are you?

NERO: (Surprised) Papa abeg how age take divide enter this matter?

PAPA: Don’t they teach you how to speak English in that your school? Everytime, you speak in pidgin and sometimes I ask myself if you are a student. Nero, translate that chicken proverb you just said now into English

NERO: Papa see that one get as e be oh, English version no dey exist. The people wey bring am no put English.

PAPA: Nero hope you know I still have all the weapons of yansh destruction with me?

NERO: Okay papa. E mean sey, ‘ it is not from inside of my mouth that you will now come and hear that a chicken cannot use to piss’.

PAPA: Does that even sound correct to you?

NERO: Papa shey you understand am the first first time na, just use your shursh(church) mind translate am.

PAPA: Nero, from now on, I need you to speak English when engaged in a conversation with me.

At this point, noticing that the attention had shifted from me to Nero, I balanced in a more comfortable position and watched with excitement just how Nero was being grilled. Sincerely, it felt really good.

NERO: Okay papa.

PAPA: So I ask again, how old are you youngman?

NERO: Na 16 years of age I be.

Papa looks at him with this “African Parents’ look”.

NERO: Sorry sir, I, me, Nero am 16yrs old.

PAPA: What class are you in in school?

NERO: S.S. 2 sir.

PAPA: I don’t understand how the youths of today think. When I was in my penultimate year, I already had a goal. I knew what I wanted to become. Nero, what is your life goal?

NERO: Papa please oh, it is S.S.2 that I said, not pen… pen..

PAPA: Penultimate!!!!!!

NERO: Ehen, pen…that one.

PAPA: Nero my boy, penultimate year in this case is just that year/class before your final year in school.

NERO: Okay, now I get.

PAPA: So boy, what is your life goal?

Nero refused to talk anymore; I guess he was lost. I kept trying my best to hold my laughter inside.

MAMA: Roko, you for allow this boy express himself anyhow.

PAPA: Woman I can’t. If we don’t deal with this now, he would become another Ovie or even worse be like Rukevwe. You see sey na matured pidgin Rukevwe dey burst comot mouth. Nero,what is your life goal?

NERO: Papa erm….. in my life, goal plenty that I have scored oh, it is just that Ogaga score yesterday own. E pain me seff that I did not score.

PAPA: (With a look of shock) Mama Ovie, what sort of kids did you bore for me?

MAMA: Whish(which) kind mumu question be that one? You dun ever hear, ‘like mother like son’ before? Na always “like father like son”. All of them no carry face resemble you Roko?

PAPA: Of course, they do. That is the only selling point they have, the face. I am sure that’s the only thing that made Lilian ever agree to even speak to Ovie.

MAMA: Nero, wetin your papa dey try talk be sey…

PAPA: Woman speak English to this boy!!

MAMA: Oya sorry oh. Nero, your father is only asking what your future ambition is. Wetin you for like be for future.

Nero still kept quiet.

MAMA: Nero just talk your mind.

NERO: (Laughing) Why papa no just talk am since na? Anyway, as I dey so, Bros Ovie dun teash me lesson. You see as JAMB dun beat am 4 times. I never ready to dey do trial and error. I dey go street go hustle.

My father intentionally decided to play along

PAPA: Go on.

NERO: Ehen, thank you papa. Na streets I go dey till I hamma. Person fit just drop like N10million for floor, maybe the guy just forget am. Operation gbab the bag with immediate alacrity. Tear like N2million give you papa, tear like N1.5million give mama, I use my shursh mind tear like N800,000 give Bros Ovie. The rest na groove groove. Grooving tins

MAMA: So Nero, you mean sey after everything wey I dun do for you for this life. Carry you for 9 months and na just N1.5million you go gimme out of N10million?

NERO: Maleh no vex, oya I go make am N2.5million.

PAPA: Just look at the 2 of you. Debating on how to share money you don’t have. I don’t even understand how you think someone would just decide to forget a bag containing N10million in this hard time. How person go dey trek seff with that kind money?

MAMA: Roko, wetin make you feel sey e no dey happen?

PAPA: Wetin make you feel sey e dey happen?

NERO: Paleh see, e dey happen. Una no dey wash(watch) Nigerian films? Even for real life seff, e dey happen. Just yesterday Bros Rukevwe clear me sey him see N10,000 for ground lastweek.

From my punishment position

ME: Nero you really dull seff, which dirty N10,000?

PAPA: Help me ask him oh……. Wait Ovie, na you just talk now now?

NERO: Bros see this tin na true. I even use my 2 koro koro eye see the brown envelope wey dem use red biro write “confidential” put.

I immediately jumped up from the punishment position.

ME: Did you say “confidential”?

NERO: Yes na, abi you dey doubt me again?

Without wasting time, I dashed into my room

PAPA: Oghene!!! So Ovie has grown wings to the point where he now releases himself from punishment duly given him by me in my very ‘before’ without even asking for my permission .

MAMA: Officer Roko abeg try take am easy. Maybe na piss hold am.

ME: (Rushing out of my room) ohh!! I am finished papa.

PAPA: Oh yes na, you are finished. Na now your eye dey clear abi?

ME: Papa my N10,000 dun go.

MAMA: (Surprised) Ovie, you get reash N10,000 for this house?

PAPA: Ovie when did you start stealing in thousands?

ME: Papa it is not my money.

PAPA: So whose N10,000 is lost?

ME: Papa it is that N10,000 oh

PAPA: What is wrong with this boy today? Ovie which N10,000?

ME: Ermm…… Papa……. N10,000……….. Parish Priest

MAMA: Wetin join Father Tony for this matter? Abi na the Priest join tiff the money?

Then it suddenly clicks in my dad’s head

PAPA: Jesus!!! (with his hand on his head) Ovie has killed me finally. Wait explain everything fully.

ME: Papa that N10,000 you gave me 2weeks ago

PAPA: Yes, my contribution to the Church bus project, the same one you told me you paid last week oh this boy.

ME: Ehen, actually I didn’t really pay the money last week.

PAPA: Ovie what do you mean by not really paying money? You dun begin smoke horse shit abi?

ME: Well…..ermm….hmmm you see

PAPA: Youngman lemme just tell you now, ‘the frowning of the he-goat doesn’t stop the herbalist from using it for sacrifice’ so you better speak now that you still have a chance to redeem yourself.

ME: Okay, I didn’t pay them lastweek.

PAPA: (Laughing) you must be joking

ME: Papa I wish I was but I am not.

MAMA: Ovie why are you like this? Okay, wetin make you lie lastweek?

ME: After papa gave me the money to go pay last week, I got to the Parish office and discovered they had closed for the day.

PAPA: Oya go on. That was on a Friday, you told me you had made the payment on Sunday

ME: On my way back on that Friday, Rukevwe started talking about sport betting.

PAPA: Bet with Jesus money? Your wings dun grow pass Angel Micheal own Ovie

ME: Well papa, at that point, it was still my money na. Jesus never collect am yet.

NERO: Una dun see where Bros Jesus collect money before? Even if Bros J go collect seff, wetin concern am with Naira when Euros, Pounds and Dollars dey? Infact, Bros J get Central Bank for….

PAPA: Nero will you shut up. Ovie continue this your epic tale because e still be like dream.

ME: Rukevwe now talked about making over N5million from that N10,000. Papa a great buisness plan. I was still thinking it through by Sunday so I decided to postpone the church payment. Papa due to the fact that it is Church money, e suppose even bring better blessing pass the N5million.

PAPA: So Ovierivie, with impunity you are telling me you pushed my N10,000 donation to betting agents?

ME: Papa not yet oh.

PAPA: So where is my money?

ME: According to Nero, e dey with Rukevwe

NERO: Bros no call me put for inside this your matter abeg.

PAPA: Did you give Rukevwe the envelope?

ME: Papa how can I?

A hot slap was the response from Officer Roko

PAPA: Na me you dey ask abi?

ME: (Holding my cheek) sorry sir. I didn’t give Rukevwe the envelope. I dey even wonder how the tin enter Rukevwe hand

PAPA: When last did you see that envelope?

ME: Yesterday, after I returned from Church with Rukevwe.

PAPA: Nero, when did Rukevwe show you this envelope?

NERO: Yesterday, after Bros Ovie follow LIlian comot.

PAPA: Lilian came here?

ME: Yes papa, Choir rehearsal/ walking together team mate…… Now I remember!!! I escorted Lilian and left Ovie alone in my room before you and mum came but Nero was in the house. I returned and saw Rukevwe had left.

PAPA: I am just tired. Nero get me a cup of water and you Ovie start thinking of the part of your body you would sell if your friend has finished spending the money.

Nero rushes in and gets the cup of water and hands it over to papa

PAPA: Did you put the “Alkaline solution” into this water to purify it?

MAMA: Roko wetin be that one again? Just drink the water drop cup.

PAPA: How ignorant you people are. Well, I thank God for my friends who introduced me to this solution. It is a liquid that is used in purifying water before drinking. All this ‘supposed pure water’ wey una dey drink for this house neva pure till this solution enter am.

NERO: Papa all na the same thing.

PAPA: Nero, as you age, I pray you develop more sense. Go check the table in my room and bring the white bottle with a black cover. Thank God for internet. Make una go check internet for benefits of Alkaline water.

After papa had drunk the “purified water”, he continued.

PAPA: Now Ovie, where do we go from here

NERO: Bros Rukevwe fit still get the money.Na just yesterday.

PAPA: Ovie why don’t you ever make friends with people who can better your life.

Before papa could finish, Rukevwe strolls into the house

RUKEVWE: I dun show!!!!!!!!!!

Catch the next episode of this adventure next week Friday.

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